bach·e·lor (băch′ə-lər, băch′lər)
1. A man who has never been married.
2. A person who has completed the undergraduate curriculum of a college or university and holds a bachelor’s degree.
3. A male animal that does not mate during the breeding season.
4. A young knight in the service of another knight in feudal times.
Yesterday was Day 3 of bachelordom, also known as “How to eat like a moron for a week while punishing your liver.” It was a relief to know that it was my last day alone without my wife and boys…and also sad to think my fast-food-eating days of summer were over. Ah well! The day started with a bang, things got going terribly wrong early. I sauntered into the bathroom for the morning routine and asked myself, “Why are my feet so cold?” I switched on the light to see that I was standing in over an inch of water. My brain couldn’t quite process it yet since I hadn’t had coffee in 3 days but it was clearly from the thunderstorm the night before. What was puzzling was the fact that the bathroom was on the second floor. Then I remembered that my wife and I had been talking about an issue with the gutter and the bathroom window. I’d seen water come in that window before but never like this, this was a flood. I scooped up the water with buckets and towels, then blocked off the window with a garbage bag from the outside. I called the roofing contractor, set up a meeting that day, and boom…problem solved(ish). Except where does water go when it’s on the second floor?
The kitchen ceiling didn’t give out but it was sagging in places and much spongier than it should have been. Day 3 was looking to be a hectic one. For shits ‘n giggles I checked the basement. Water in the basement too. Bingo! Things got dried out, contractors were called, and before long it was a pretty normal day for me at the office. I had to make a few runs out to the house to meet with the roofing guys and talk through the repairs, schedule, and costs. Projects at the office got done on time and before I knew it the end of the day was rolling around. I had an invitation from a friend to join her family for dinner at 7:30 as well as standing invite from my buddy to go see a 10 PM movie downtown and drink beers. I was ready to do both when it dawned on me, “This is what my uncle would do! Free dinner at someone else’s house and a late night movie?” I decided I was a much younger (honorary) “bachelor” than my uncle and I would honor my past!
They say a picture says a thousand words, so I’ll let this picture speak for itself:
Bachelor Dinner of Champions!
I put Godzilla on the big screen at full volume (no kids) and relaxed to the soothing images of Brian Cranston acting while wearing a terrible wig. The cat gave in. She walked up to me and howled from the floor as loud as she could. She was lonely, and since I was the only option around…she gave in and asked for affection. I obliged. We sat on the couch together watching this odd movie in which Godzilla is either the supporting character or hero depending on how you look at it…the leading character is the dude from the movie “Kick Ass” and the leading lady is the Olsen Twins little sister. That’s how they should have billed this movie!
Godzilla! Staring the dude from Kick Ass, the Olsen Twins’ little sister, and Brian Cranston in a terrible wig…but the wig is okay because he dies really early in the film but not in a cool way, but it was better to promote him as the star in all the trailers instead of the dude from Kick Ass who is becoming a rising action star but has no notoriety yet because people still think of him as the dude from Kick Ass. Seriously though, Brian Cranston dies in like the first 20 minutes when he falls off a walkway and is solely there to make the viewer accept that the dude from Kick Ass is going to be the lead character now. Also, Godzilla is the good guy…sorta…but you can’t call him “God-Zilla,” you have to say “Hwadziya!” However, you’ll never really see Hwadziya directly because there are clouds, and oceans, and stuff that make it really hard to see him…plus he’s like many different sizes depending on what looked cool in post production CG. Hwadziya!!!
Following Hwadziya, I crawled into bed and was happy to be joined by the cat. She stayed for 15 minutes. That is the most amount of affection I’ve had in 3 days and I soaked up every second of it. I fell asleep fast knowing it was my last night of faux bachelorhood and that I’d soon be hugging my boys and cuddling my wife. No thunderstorms flooded my house. No loneliness kept me awake. No God lizard terrorized my city. Just sleep.
So long bachelordom. See you soon family!
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