The Grinch Who Stole Bacon

Every Ta down in Ta-Town Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Grinch, who lived in a neighborhood nearby, Did NOT!
Following the UPS truck in his car with a sour, Grinchy frown,
He watched to see which people he thought were out-of-town.
He lingered on street corners behind the stop sign,
Looking for packages to be delivered from Amazon Prime.

Then the Grinch came to our street where the brown truck did go,
The man in brown left a gift without a “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
He rang our doorbell and then flew the coop,
Leaving behind our package exposed on our front stoop.
Instead of a note or checking with a neighbor on the trail,
He left our gift out there! Then sent us an email!

The Grinch saw this package and thought to himself,
“I’ll steal that package and put it up on my shelf!”
Then he slunk from his car and walked right up to our door,
…and a few moments later, our gift was no more.
He took that present wrapped in UPS cardboard,
And then he was gone, “On to the next house!” He roared.

And then? We found out that this crime had taken place,
Between 5:30 and 6:30 on a Thursday right in front of our face!
So we Tweeted UPS about this issue with their fleet!
We Tweeted and Tweeted! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET!
Their response was lackluster and lacking respect,
Since this was an issue they had come to expect!

We filed a report with the Ta-Town police,
Who asked what was in the package the Grinch so keenly greased.
We checked the tracking number and our eyes did awaken,
That old Grinch had stolen our Oscar’s Smokehouse Bacon!
Our sausage, our pancakes, our 5 year aged cheddar,
The maple syrup that makes our breakfast taste better!

Oh the hamanity…it all had been taken,
A Christmas without Oscar’s Applewood Smoked Bacon?!!!

Bacon! That Grinch! He took my favorite food!
He darn near spoiled my Christmasy mood!
I had spent the day giving thousands to those who were in need,
Donating time, money, and love and helping to feed.
Then this Grinch comes along and steals my Christmas lunch,
Making me wonder “Why?” Especially after I’d given so much!

Then a thought filled my head!
A wonderful Christmas thought filled my head!
What if instead of stealing I thought of this as giving instead?
What if this Grinch was in need of a holiday spread?
Perhaps he had nothing but the crumbs of stale bread?
Then I didn’t feel so bad and stopped seeing red.

That old Grinch stole my bacon and soon will have a feast,
Of New York smoked cheddar and Christmas Roast Beast.
I’m not quite as angry at the Grinch as I was before,
But he better not get caught stealing from me anymore.
If he’s found on my porch he might be greeted with rage,
And find himself staring down the barrel of my 12 gauge.

But who is to blame for this ham foolery crime?
The Grinch? Yes…but there’s a more sinister sign of the times.
Remember when UPS would leave you a note?
With a time for a second delivery that was hand wrote?
Or they’d check with a neighbor and deliver it there,
Instead of leaving it outside for all criminals to stare!

Now? UPS makes it the sender’s issue the handle,
They pass it off to the sender instead of seeking the vandal!
So we called up Oscar’s and told them our story,
Before we could finish they told me not to worry!
They took down my info and apologized for UPS not being cautious,
Then sent out a new package to me, this time to my office.

Then Channel 12 News called and asked to interview me,
Since I was not the only victim of UPS package stealing.
It’s a trend on the rise, and UPS knows about it!
What do they do? Nothing. So I’m here to spout it!
Your packages are not safe when left at your front door,
Thieves snatch them right up, and what’s more?
They’re checking your car to see if it is unlocked,
My wife’s was in the driveway and she was shocked!
We were home at the time when her checkbook was taken,
We also were home when they took the bacon!
So lock all your doors and leave nothing in sight,
The Grinch may be prowling your neighborhood tonight!
But if you see this fowl creature as you awaken,
Yell out unto him, “You fucker…give back Ryan’s bacon!”


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One thought on “The Grinch Who Stole Bacon

  1. The Grinch took my daughter´s rocking horse handmade by her grandpa this week! He walked up our 10 yard driveway at took a 4.5 feet by 2 feet by 2 ft box that was just outside our door, and I was home !!!!!

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