Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Some assembly was required by me and my spouse.
The stockings hung by the chimney with care,
To be filled with coal for a boy who pulled his brother’s hair.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Except for Dodge who’s cries pierced through our heads.
And Mama in her yoga pants, and I with a beer,
Nervously wrapped gifts knowing Christmas was almost here.
When down in the basement there arose such a clatter,
I shouted “Shut up Luna,” knowing what was the matter.
Away to the storage room ran Luna the cat,
Crying over a 1/2 empty bowl in worries of not being fat.
When what to wondering eyes did appear,
But a receipt in a bag from our Target cashier.
I knew in an instant when the paper fell from that sack,
That we were one of the 40 Million who’s credit card had been hacked.
What do we do? I guess wait and see,
If another person makes purchases on it in January.
Till then I say “screw it” and hug my dear wife,
Recognizing exactly how charmed is my life.
So I whistled, and shouted, and called out my needs,
Now, sleeping! Now, farting! Now tweeting Doug Gottlieb!
Now Wichita State in the Top 10 poll!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
Was it St. Nick? Or the neighbor’s dog going “woof.”
I’ll never know because I ate too much spiral ham,
Then fell right to sleep after taking my Clonazepam.
And I passed out in my bed and gave my wife a halfhearted whistle,
As our nocturnal marital activities flew away like the down of a thistle.
But I heard myself mumble, ere I drifted out of sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
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