When your mother and I were pregnant with your big brother (Max) I wrote him a few letters like this one. Back then we called him “Zig” which was short for “Ziggy The Zygote.” We have been calling you “Sesame” which is short for “Sesame Seed” because the first time we saw you…you were so small that all we could see was a tiny little beating heart. Currently you are in your 16th week of development in the womb, about the size of a lemon, and you have started practicing breathing. I often pause, cup one hand, and imagine you curled up sleeping there…my little lemon. I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl yet but that doesn’t matter to me, I just want you to be happy and healthy. Your mother is very patient, very beautiful, and the glue that holds together our growing family. I cannot lie…she is in charge. I am a headstrong kind of guy and most people think I’m an a-hole when they first meet me…but if you know me, you know I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I’m as caring as they come. That’s why I’m writing to you. I want you to know that I love you.
There is a lot going on in the world right now…both the world in general and our family’s micro-world. It’s an election year (and a heated one at that) where right and left have grown so far apart that the middle seems impossible. Its being sold to us that our votes are the difference between what is right and wrong. America and the world. Economics and ecology. Its pretty scary, because America seems to be more divided than ever on the definitions of our freedoms and what the government’s role is in that. America seems trapped in a battle between what she wants to do and what she needs to do…which is the same battle Daddy is fighting in our micro-world.
I’ve been grappling with anxiety attacks that I think are (somewhat) fueled by coming to terms with letting my past life’s wants go while accepting my current life’s needs. That may sound morbid but Daddy’s past life’s wants are the childish things everyone wants as a kid, and the current life’s needs are the everyday perils of responsibility everyone has to accept. Daddy just wanted to be a kid forever…like Peter Pan…but Peter Pan doesn’t get to have kids like you and Max if he never grows up. Your brother is going through a similar battle right now with potty training. He gets so nervous about going poo-poo in his pants because he knows he is supposed to go in the potty so he lies to us when we ask if he needs to go. He gets very upset and nervously says, “No, no, no, no…” Then he hides in the corner and does his deed. Eventually (he’s only 1 and 1/2 years old) he’ll use the potty and the idea of going in a diaper (let alone wearing a diaper) will disgust him. He’ll accept the next phase of responsibility.
Same goes for Daddy. My anxiety attacks have overshadowed the first few months of your time in development but I want you to know that I’m so excited to meet you. Mommy’s tummy popped out this last week and all of a sudden she went from pregnant to PREGNANT. Its awesome. It’s actually very relaxing for me. Seeing Mommy’s tummy grow, and knowing that you are growing too, makes me so happy that I can hardly contain myself. Soon I will be able to know if you are a girl or a boy, but my eyes are set on February when I get to meet you. The world might be a little crazy, but your world will be safe and full of love. You’ll inherit the craziness later in life ;).
Now that you can hear I am going to start singing to you and talking to you so you know who I am when you are born. I’ll be the guy crying and singing in the delivery room…because there is no greater feeling that the day you are blessed to be a parent. I helped make you…you will always be a part of me, and I am counting the days till I can hold you against my skin and hear you breathing in my arms. We’ll give you a name, we’ll give you our love, we’ll teach you everything we know, and learn from you all that we can. I am your father forever and I will always love you. Enjoy the warmth of your current home…February in Kansas will be pretty shocking but don’t you worry…you’ll be here just in time for March Madness (Go Shocks!). As I tell your brother every night and soon will tell you:
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
I’ll see you in my dreams tonight.
I love you Sesame,