Tiny Heartbeat

This week Kate and I went for her monthly checkup and got to hear what we’ve been wanting to hear, our baby’s tiny heartbeat.  So strange…there is a tiny person in there.  With Max I was so overcome with emotion because it was all so new to me, I couldn’t get over how cool it was that there was a baby in there.  This time around my brain was all like, “Yup…tiny baby…heartbeat…got it.”  Though I did find myself squeezing Kate’s hands a little harder and tears welling in the back of my eyes.

With Max it was so surreal.  I remember the first time I saw him in the delivery room and my brain couldn’t physically process the idea that I had a child.  I remember thinking, “Someone’s baby is crying…who’s baby is that?”  Pause…shift in the universe.  “That’s my baby.”  Now two years later I’m getting ready to do it all over again but everything is different.  I still have those who’s kid is that? moments every day.  Max will walk up to me and say “Hi Dada!”  Then blow a raspberry on my belly and run away laughing hysterically and my brain still asks, “Really…that’s my kid?  I’m a father?”

With Max I was so worried about him.  Would he be smart?  What did he look like?  Will he love me?  What if there is something wrong?  And so on.  With this pregnancy I’m more worried about myself and Kate.  Can we afford to do this?  How will we be good parents and go to work?  Am I emotionally ready for this?  The answer…who knows.  Just go with it.

The scariest thought is that if we have another kid after this one…we’ll be outnumbered!  Right now its an even match; 2 adults and 2 kids (if you count me as an adult).  Arg!  Focus on one pregnancy at a time.  Next month we’ll have our first shot at seeing if we can determine the sex of the baby.  My gut says girl…and I’m hoping for either.  As before, I just want a happy healthy kid.  Can’t wait to see the baby!!!  Anyone have any guesses or gut feelings on this one?

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One thought on “Tiny Heartbeat

  1. I had to laugh when I got to the part of this that said, if we have another kid we’ll be outnumbered. I remember when our third was born. I. Was. Terrified. Mark went out of town like ten minutes after I brought her home, so my mom came to stay. Mark came home a week later and Mom had to leave. I cried all night the night before and Mark kept asking what was wrong. “When Mom leaves there’ll be more kids than adults!” was all I managed before dissolving. And regarding adults, yes, I meant just me.:) We survived, of course. It was actually one of the sweetest times in my life. Just like it was when number two arrived….. And numbers four and five. It’s all in the moment. All in the now. Enjoy.:)

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