The Ass Menagerie


Aunts and Uncles!

Last night Kate and I threw a party at our house for her family and mine as her brothers and sisters finally got to meet Max.  Mark and Abby flew in from Wilmington, NC and Todd and Jenn flew in from Chicago.  Frank and Kathy made the 8 hour drive from Vinton, IA again, and my parents made the 8 minute drive from across town.  We dined on turkey, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, salad, Iowa corn, and tons of other delicious items.  It was a momentous occasion so I pulled some of my top wines from my cellar which Kate was at last able to participate in freely.  It was awesome.


The Uncles and Aunts took turns holding Max who put on an amazing show of cuteness.  Smiles, naps, eye contact…you name it…he was in top form.  It was a truly special night.  Soon the night wound down and jet lag caught up with everyone, it was time to go home.  Kate took Max upstairs for his dinner (boob) and I shut down the house.  When I arrived upstairs I found Kate nursing Max.  The cat, Luna, was waiting for me in the bed as well.  Luna hasn’t slept in the bed since Max came home so this was pretty cool.  She’s my cuddle partner.  My secret is I keep a water-glass on my night-stand just for her and give her water before bed.  She thinks she is a person.  She prefers drinking out of glasses.

Max finished guzzling boob, Luna finished sipping water, and all that was left was Kate and I.  Just two consenting, married adults.  Hey there.  How you doing? As you can imagine…post baby delivery, the downstairs is closed for renovations.  What I didn’t realize is that it is closed for 6 weeks.  6 weeks?!!!  Come on.  It is maddening!  My wife has suddenly dropped 35 lbs, she has her bazookas out like 10 times a day for Max, and is a stunning symbol for fertility.  I scoot closer.  Hey.  She’s sly to me.  She shoots me the “6 weeks” look which I combat with the “there’s nothing wrong with kissing…” look.  She is not amused.  I scoot closer.  She is warm.  Now…if I could just…  Suddenly Max loudly fills his diaper with diharea…6 inches from my face.  Kate and I lock eyes in horror.  Before either of us can say anything…the cat belches loudly.  This causes us to laugh uncontrollably which in turn causes me to fart.  Max stirs.  Kate rolls over.  The cat turns and faces away from me.  Thus…the ass menagerie.  I swear, there used to be romance in this bed but now it is just an orchestra of bodily noises, night-time feedings, and a place where two consenting, married, exhausted adults come to sleep.

2 thoughts on “The Ass Menagerie

  1. I have never been that squeamish about bodily fluids (i am the household poop-smith after all…changer of all things litter) but I have to say after having kids there isn’t much that would faze me now.

    Of course the benefit of this is I can chase my wife around the house with a dirty diaper (happened once) and that I can surreptitiously set her computer wallpaper to be a picture of what I call a “level 5 omega quality poop containment failure”.

  2. Thanks for an awesome weekend, you guys. It was so great to see you and to meet Max. We miss you all already.
    See you soon.
    Much love.

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