A little part of my soul was sucked through the phone today and devoured by a corporate conference. The details are not important…what is important are some simple facts. I am no longer making art. I am a product of corporate America producing uninteresting, menial, boring crap. I made something I was proud of…and then watched as it got slowly turned into something I am almost ashamed of by people who like to hear themselves talk. I guess it is no different from film-making when producers make all kinds of changes that piss off writers…except the final product is a film. I don’t know what to call what I am making now. Honestly…garbage. Their are remnants of coolness in it but the process that has taken place and is taking place to “fix it” makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel dirty about my entire job. I know it isn’t that bad but it has me looking back and wondering…why the hell am I in Kansas working in marketing? I sold out. I abandoned my dream.
On top of all that I spend every second of free time fixing shelves, assembling cribs, doing dishes, and going to birth classes. I feel like I am going to explode…but I can’t…I have a birth class in 20 minutes. I can’t even go Christmas shopping for my family because I am shackled to my desk. On deadline. Oh its soooooooooo important! Is it? Is this the best way for me to be spending my time? What am I doing?
I officially feel pulled in multiple directions, I am the most stressed I have ever been in my life, I am consumed with the juxtaposition of what I need to do and what I want to do, and Kate has begun dilating…so I’m going to be a father any time between now and mid-January. I seriously feel like I am going to explode. Luckily my digestive problems are at an all time high so I feel sick and nervous all the time too! Sweet!
When I get like this…I eat. What can I say? I am an emotional eater. I am going to go angrily face-wreck a Spangles burger with jalepenos so it makes me feel extra sick tonight as I lay awake in bed gripping the sheets as hard as I can trying to resist the urge to scream bloody hell because my mind won’t shut up about everything I need to get done by Thursday. I am losing my grasp on reality and diving further into the insane stressed induced la la land of my brain. I need to find some peace. I need some space. I need a Spangles burger.