Tag Archives: dodge

A Friday Morning Poem

17 May

Alarms are buzzing, Dodge is crying,

Max is hungry, Kate is sighing.

Drag my body out of bead,

Wake up feet…are you dead?

Serenity comes in a coffee cup,

Delivered in attempt to wake me up.

Shower while Kate feeds the boys,

Stepping on Max’s bath-time toys.

Left sock, right sock, underwear,

Deodorant, toothbrush, styled hair.

Take the pills the pharmacist sold,

Because inevitably I’m getting old.

Wallet found, Where are my keys?

Max has hidden them in the trees.

Or are they right here in my hand?

Am I awake yet, I don’t understand.

Forehead kiss and on the cheek,

Max and I leave to close the week.

Off to school where there is a sign,

BEWARE! Your child has been exposed to pink eye.

Pause…consider…Meh, he’ll be fine,

Drop him off and check the time.

Late for work and feeling woozy,

What was in that breakfast smoothie?

Watch my speed down Rock Road,

Perfect driving record must not go.

Office, meeting, phone call, desk,

Slide into the chair that loves me best.

Glasses donned and deadlines due,

Time to do whatever it is I do.

And so I bid the week adieu,

Its Friday!  The weekend will be here very soon!

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Who Are The Wichita State Shockers? A Fan’s Perspective

2 Apr Shockers

xaviermcdanielThe year I was born was the last time a team from the Missouri Valley went to the Final Four and thirty three years later the MVC is going again.  This time, its my beloved Shockers.  I grew up in Wichita during the 80′s and was first captured by the Shocks when Xavier McDaniel would soar through the air with gravity-defying dunks at the “Roundhouse.”  As I grew older, and learned to play, I watched players like Sasa Radunavic as the MVC became one of the most physical conferences in the nation.  In the 90′s I became a ball boy for the Shockers and remember the last game we played against Kansas University in 1993.  In 1995 I left for Boston where I completed high school, then off to NYC for a decade, San Francisco, Los Angeles, The Adirondacks, and in 2010 my wife and I moved back to Wichita.  I was home.

Max Loves "Wu!"

Max Loves “Wu!”

While I was away I stayed connected to my Shockers as best I could…which was tough outside of Wichita before the golden age of the internet, because we didn’t get much national airtime during those years.  I listened to radio reports, drove an hour to a bar in Anaheim to see a game on TV, called my dad for scores, and did whatever it took to remain a loyal Wichita State fan.  In 2006 I drove across country to see the Shocks lose to George Mason in the Sweet Sixteen…it was my wife’s first WSU game ever.  Then, Mark Turgeon left…and my Shocks looked doomed to fall into despair again.  However, they hired this guy named Gregg Marshall from Winthrop who sounded very exciting.  I’d been excited about coaches in the past…but every time they do well…they leave.  The first thing I did was shoot Coach Marshall an email welcoming him to Wichita and our program.  He wrote back!  Not a form email from some intern but a personal email header_mvc_outfrom the coach of the team.  I was needless to say, impressed.  In 2008 I got married in Bolton Landing, NY and we came to Wichita soon after for a party to celebrate with all our friends from Wichita who were unable to make the trip to NY.  My dad, Bud, had become great friends with Gregg Marshall and invited him to come.  I had no idea he was there when I got up and gave my speech about Wichita and why I’m proud to be a Wichitan.  In that speech, of course, I noted my Shockers and how much they have inspired me along my travels.  Gregg pulled me aside afterwards and officially introduced himself and his wife Lynn to my wife Kate and me.  We talked about a plethora of things (including basketball) but I could tell one thing for sure, I liked Gregg Marshall and there was something different about him.

Celebrating the Shockers NIT Title after the game with my dad Bud, coach Gregg, wife Kate, and son Max.

Celebrating the Shockers NIT Title after the game.

In 2009 I was passing through Wichita for work and Gregg invited Kate and me to be honorary coaches for the first game of the season!  HUGE honor!  We sat on the bench with the team, were in all the huddles, went to the locker room, and celebrated a victory together.  It was amazing!  It was my first game at Koch Arena and Kate’s first game in Wichita.  In 2010 Kate and I moved to Wichita for a number of reasons including a job, a want to start a family, a want to be closer to our families, and season tickets to the Shockers certainly was on my mind.  That year I didn’t miss a single home game!  In January we gave birth to my son Max and in March he saw his first game at Madison Square Garden where the Shockers won the NIT with their winningest season in WSU history.  It was my favorite Shocker moment of all time.  I will never forget celebrating with the players after the game, hugging the seniors, Gregg holding my son Max for pictures and calling him his “lucky charm,” and knowing I was there to witness history…and somehow feel like a part of it.

Cheering The Shocker's Win Over Creighton on ESPN

Cheering The Shocker’s Win Over Creighton.

By 2012 I had gotten to know the players personally and that was even more special.  I traveled with the team to away games, texted back and forth with them, and had the honor to get to know them off the court.  To say they were the perfect example of student athletes would be an understatement.  These guys were amazing.  I will never forget the night before we beat Creighton in Omaha when I had dinner with Joe Ragland and Ben Smith (who were the players of the game the next night) and learning so much about who they were in their personal lives.  We celebrated together in the locker room after victories, laughed on the plane, and cried together when our NCAA run ended at the hands of VCU.  It was a special time for Wichita…but it wasn’t over.

20130126_210934This year was touted as a “rebuilding year,” but we have a Marshall for a coach and he doesn’t rebuild…he reloads.  Picked fourth in the Valley I set my sights on being a positive fan no matter what and always offering the team the bright side of things.  I had two hopes in my mind…beat Creighton and win the MVC Tournament.  However, they didn’t feel like being the fourth team in the Valley and losing was extremely infrequent.  When they did I tweeted all the positive things they did and reminded them how much Wichita loved them.  On 11/12/12 I got a tweet from Cleanthony Early saying “Your tweet inspired me!”  That was when I started realizing how special this team was and that it was always like this because of the makeup of the team, the city, the program, the everything.  Gregg invites families into the locker room after every home game, surrounds his players with love, and does everything he can to remind the boys what they are a part of while including the fans as the eternal 6th man.  It is not normal.  It is not how other programs operate.  This is Wichita.  This is Shocker Nation.

Max's 2nd Birthday!

Max’s 2nd Birthday!

I know every player on the team, and that is not bragging rights because I share that right with every Shocker fan in Wichita.  That is how things are out here on the prairie.  When my son Max turned two the guys lined up to sign his shirt, hold him, high-five him, and make him feel like he was part of the team.  It makes a father tear up to know that there are role models out there like these boys.  They are our ambassadors to the world and they have stepped into the spotlight and handled the responsibility with humble poise.  They are heroes already and will forever go down in history.  The wins to get to the Final Four belong to them as well as every player before them, every fan with a story just like mine, and a city that supports them through every win and loss.

Sunday practice!

Sunday practice!

Max talks about them every day and practices to be a basketball player like them and “play for Coach.”  When we sit at the table for dinner he protests (as all two-year-olds do) and we get him to eat his veggies by telling him that’s how Carl Hall got to be a beast.  He takes a big bite and says, “That’s a Cle bite!!”  I give him a high-five and he says, “Noooo…that was a CARL HALL BITE!!!”  Then he growls like a wild animal because “Carl Hall’s a beast!”  Nick Wiggins was amazing with him on his birthday and Ehimen held him like he was his own son – Max loved being seven feet up in the air.  After every game in the locker room Ehimen and Max still wave to each other.  Max and I always make a special point to talk to Ron Baker and Evan Wessel since they were injured – or as Max says “they got an ouchy hand and ouchy foot.”  Tekele made my day as a father when Max and I stopped by practice one day.  Tekele had a few seconds between drills and was catching his breath when he saw us standing under the hoop.  He popped his fist out to Max for a bump and asked, “What’s up Max?”  Max gave him the bump and watched as he took off down court for the drill then returned down court and dunked right above Max and gave him a wink.  Tekele doesn’t know it but Max has talked about it every day since when I tuck him in to bed at night.  Demetric got his 100th win on Max’s birthday but in the locker room he was more intent on wishing Max a happy birthday than celebrating his own success.  CJ, Fred, Jake…my two-year-old knows them all by name, EVERY player on the team, Derail, Zach, Kadeem…everyone.  Carl and Cle are Max’s heroes though Malcolm has become quite popular in the past few weeks.  However, there is no one Max is more enamored with than “Coach.”  Max will tell you plain and simple, “When Max grows up he’s gonna be a Shocker and play for Coach!”  That’s a two-year-old!  That is what affect this team has.

wichita_downtownIn the past two weeks I have heard these questions over and over again, “Who are the Shockers?” -and- “Where is Wichita?”  The Shockers are members of the Missouri Valley Conference (or “The Valley” as we call it) which is the second oldest conference in the nation.  Wichita is pretty much located in the center of the United States and the largest city in Kansas where we build airplanes, have an agricultural economy based around wheat, have one of the nation’s the highest quality of life to cost of living, and the largest amount of entrepreneurs per capita in the nation.  We are thinkers and doers, and if a great idea got funded it may have started in Wichita.  Yes, we have large buildings and a bustling downtown but we prefer to slow things down so we can enjoy life with friends.  We use the word “love” a lot around here because we are passionate.  Though Wichita’s politics seem conservative to the outside eye I have never met a more accepting group of people in all my travels across this country (and I’m quite liberal).  We are good at what we do and we work very hard.  We also give back because we love our city and our community.  We wear black and gold because of the golden waves of wheat this city was founded on and remember our history including when WSU was the Fairmount College, Wheatshockers in 1906.  On October 2nd, 1970 we lost our football team in a tragic plane crash.  We have focused on basketball and other non-football sports since.  This is our 10th appearance in the NCAA tournament, our 5th Sweet Sixteen, fourth Elite Eight, and second Final Four.  Our women’s basketball team made their first NCAA tournament appearance this season and our volleyball team went to the Sweet Sixteen as well.

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1955_Wu_Bonfire.jpg

20130324-005014.jpgSo, why should you root for us?  There are four teams left in the nation and if you are a fan of one of the other three remaining you should be rooting for them.  If you are not…join the Shockers of Wichita State and be a part of history.  ESPN, CBS, and so on will give you plenty of stats to review and get to know our players on the court…but you should root for us because of who we are off the court.  Our motto this year is “play angry” because it was Antoine Carr‘s advice to the team…because they are such good kids.  They embody sportsmanship.  We are Rudy…we don’t give up…but we are not the underdog and we are not Cinderella.  We are the unknowns and we don’t think we are better than anyone…we just know we can beat anyone.  ”Not satisfied” is another thing you’ll hear…we are not satisfied.  As much as I want to see a Final Four banner in our arena next year I would rather see a National Champion banner.  We are not looking back at our wins…we are only focused on the game we are about to play.  There was no party when the team came back from LA because there is still work to be done – we’ll celebrate when its all said and done.  We have a tough road ahead of us but that’s the way we like it.  We don’t have a superstar who will go off for 30 points a night…the whole team is a superstar and we win together.  Our bench is amazing and we truly go 10 deep.  Everyone plays their role and we find a way to win.

wichita-state-final-fourMy son Max, as you read above, was the lucky charm the year the Shocks won the NIT.  His autographed ball stands in his room as the constant reminder that he was there the day the Shockers ended the season with a win.  I told Gregg this year, “Look out, every time we have a boy the Shockers win a title.”  My wife and I brought our second son, Dodge, into the world on 3/1/13…a month ago on the first day of March.  Its been a shocking year of college hoops fraught with upsets and March Madness…let’s make it the most shocking season of all.  No matter what, my bags are packed and I’m taking my two sons with me to Atlanta to witness basketball and Shocker history.  We’re going to the Final Four and my whole family is going together to root for our Wichita State family.

Shocks_SI

Being on the cover of SI has cursed the #1 seeds…we are a #9. Prepare to have the curse broken!

On Twitter use #WatchUs to join the Shocker conversation and root for the home team.  Go Shocks!  I am not an official representative of Wichita State or its athletics department and the opinions expressed in this article and on this site are my own.  I’m a fan…and I think you should be too.

Dodge Is One Month Old

1 Apr

Today is Dodge’s 1-Month birthday! He looks just like Max at this age.  Can you tell which one is Dodge and which one is Max?

MaxAndDodge

Leaving The Past Behind

26 Mar

timon_and_pumbaaAs Pumbaa from the Lion King says, “Its times like this my buddy Timon here says: you gotta put your behind in the past.”  No, no, no…amateur.  While the theme of Timon and Pumbaa’s catchy tune, Hakuna Matata, eventually leads Simba away from his royal duties as king of the jungle (“Your Majesty, I gravel at your feet!”) it does apply well to anxiety.  You gotta leave the past behind.  Anxiety is like a fungus that feeds on the three fundamentals of how we perceive ourselves in the world: past, present, and future.  When you have an anxiety attack, as I did on Sunday, you are battling your mind for how it perceives the future.  Your anxiety tells your mind that everything is going to go terribly in the future and hope is lost.  This is fantasy as we cannot predict the future, so the steps to overcoming an anxiety attack are…

STEP 1

Accept that you do not know what the future holds and the feelings of anxiety you are experiencing are predictions and not factual.  An anxious brain will only fantasize about scenarios where everything goes wrong.  Try to think about good things that you know will happen in the near future and let go of preconceived negative notions on scenarios you have no control over.

STEP 2

Work on how you feel right now.  Right now.  The present.  You can’t predict the future and the past has already passed so just live in the now.  When I am really freaking out it helps me to go to a safe place and do some sensory deprivation and meditate on good possibilities for the future.  I take a long hot shower in complete darkness while sitting down or laying down.  In the summer I submerge myself in water either in Lake George or the pool.

STEP 3

Leave the past behind.  This is hard…for me this is the cyclical part that tries to spiral me back into my anxiety.  It also goes by the name of depression and is what I’d like to talk about today in a little more detail.

Take it away Pumbaa and Timon!

Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase.

Hakuna Matata! Ain’t no passing craze.

It means no worries for the rest of your days!

It’s our problem free, philosophy…

Hakuna Matata!

So there I am Sunday, laying down in the shower with the lights off, and the water so hot it almost burns my skin.  This claustrophobic little spot makes me feel safe…I am a water person so getting into water helps with everything.  My brain is racing with anxious thoughts and I am trying to slow it down.  First I focus on the water and how it feels and ask myself, “How do I feel right now?”  The answer was “Safe.”  So now that I feel comfortable where I am I can work on what I am scared about.  My fears are my own but not unlike yours, mine just get inflated until all I see is disaster ahead of me.  So I visualize a stop sign, go through some CBT techniques, and try to hault the thought process in its tracks.  Then I visualized happy things I knew were going to happen like getting hugged by my two-year-old, the feel of my newborn’s hair on my cheek when I kiss his head, and the touch of my wife’s hand when she holds mine as we walk.  I felt better.  I had stopped making terrible predictions for the future and focused on good things I knew would happen.  I was living in the now.  That is when it happens…the past creeps up to try to fill the void!

stop-signMy next thought was, “Why am I like this?  Why can’t I go back to how I was a year ago before all these anxiety attacks?”  Guess what the answer to that is?  ”You can’t…things will never be the same.”  POW!!!  Right back into predicting terrible outcomes of the future!  So now I have to redo all the steps and when I get to the “Why am I like this,” question I say, “Hakuna Matata.”  No joke.  I’m singing the Lion King in my head right now.  Worrying about the future is the trigger that starts the process but getting hung up on the past is the trap that keeps the cycle going.

Here’s the rub: I want desperately to go back to how things used to be.  I want to be unafraid to fly on airplanes, drive for miles by myself, and eat anything I want.  I want to feel “normal.”  There is a flight to LA this Thursday with tickets to the Sweet Sixteen waiting for me…and I have turned them down because I know I’m not ready for that much pressure yet and I need to be home with my family and newborn.  Last year I would have been in Omaha for the game against Creighton, in St. Louis for Arch Madness, in Utah for the opening round of the NCAA, in LA for the Sweet Sixteen, and in Atlanta for the Final Four.  No problemo.  This year…I’m afraid to fly and I’m aware that I have a fundamental flaw in the way my brain thinks that needs to be addressed before I can push myself to be adventurous again.  I have to stop living in the past.

anxietyI cannot go back in time and since my anxiety has increased my responsibilities have doubled.  I am a father of two now and I am clearly grappling with the desire to be free vs. the need to be responsible.  Call it an early life crisis.  I want the best of both worlds.  I want to be free to do what I want and then come home to my family and be “Dad.”  However, it doesn’t work that way…yet.  You have to work to get that privilege and the work has just begun.  THAT is where my stress comes from.  Contradicting lifestyles: the one I live and the one I used to live.  I cannot fold the old one into the new one, I have to accept the responsibilities of the new one and know that I can’t predict the next phase.  I want to go to LA and see the Shockers play in the Sweet Sixteen…I need to be home with my newborn, my two-year-old, and my exhausted wife…even when she says I can go, because she is the nicest person on the face of the Earth.  I don’t need permission from anyone…I need to make the responsible choice for myself, and that is to stay.  I remember when Kate and I went to the Sweet Sixteen together back in 2006 in DC before we were married and had kids.  Good times.  Hakuna Matata!

I won’t miss my newborn’s first smiles which he has started doing this week.  I won’t miss playing catch with my two-year-old.  I won’t miss the good things in life because I’m focusing on the past or trying to live like I did in the past.  I live in the now.  Go Shocks…I’ll be watching from my couch in Shocker pajamas with a beer in one hand and my baby boy in the other.  Go me.

Max's 2nd Birthday!

Max’s 2nd Birthday With The Wichita State Shockers!

My Tiny WSU Fan, Dodge.

My Tiny Wichita State Fan, Dodge.

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For more articles on anxiety please click HERE. Thanks for reading!

Dodge Is 3 Weeks Old

21 Mar

It is amazing how much Dodge has grown up in just three weeks!  Hard to believe he’ll eventually grow up to be a toddler like Max, then a teen who hates me, and an adult who makes fun of me.  He turns 3 weeks old tonight at 3:37 AM and as you know 3 is Kate’s (and my) lucky number.  Let’s hope it helps Wichita State win today against Pittsburgh and then slay the beast that is Gonzaga!

DodgeSittingUp

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