Tornado Season Is Here

Growing up in Kansas, tornadoes were just a part of life.  They are fascinating, gorgeous, and amazing…till they reach down and cause disaster.  It is easy to see why storm chasers are so obsessed with them, they are chaos in poetry from above.  There are amazing things that happen when they pass by.  Skies turn colors that seem impossibly green as if clouds are full of algae.  Hail the size of softballs plummet from the sky and sometimes the rain goes up instead of down.  Winds gust to speeds that cannot be physically possible…then…total peace and calm as everything swirls above.  This is when you need to get downstairs.  The quiet means it is about to hit.

Sunday night Kate, Max, Dodge and I hunkered down in the basement as a twister narrowly missed Wichita as it bound northeast across the state.  It was the first major tornado in the area for the year so it got a lot of TV coverage causing my Facebook page to blow up with friends asking, “are you okay?”  We were fine.  We watched the news on the TV, Max drew with his crayons, Dodge napped, and Kate and I discussed how we needed to renovate the basement.  After it passed we went upstairs, put the boys to bed, and went out on the patio to enjoy a cloudless evening with perfect temperatures.  It was lovely out after the hail passed…and not a single cloud in the sky.

We have a small garage so Kate’s car gets parked outside and took direct hits from the golf ball sized hail that left our brand new little Kia looking like a golf ball itself with a plethora of dents and busted windshield.  That was it.  I haven’t looked at the new roof and siding yet…but I’m sure there is some damage.  I told Kate how spooky this was that it was almost June and this was out first real tornado scare.  This is another place where you can see global warming: Tornado season happens later every year and when it does happen…it is truncated and more intense than ever.

Then Monday happened.  Moore, OK.  It reminded me so much of Joplin it was spooky and watching the aftermath has been horrific.  Immediately a number of friends organized a disaster relief idea which we invite anyone in the Wichita area to participate in.  We are accepting non-perishable donations at Heroes Sports Bar & Grill tomorrow (Wednesday) from 6-9 PM to be trucked down to Moore through various organizations and groups we are coordinating with.  This could have been my family.  That could have been Max’s school.  That could have been us.  If you are in Wichita, please help us with the “Give Moore” program we are spearheading at Heroes and give what you can.  The word is that there is a larger need for supplies than clothing so please, come to Heroes between 6-9 PM Wednesday and give what you can.  Semi trucks will be taking goods down through Friday and every little piece helps.  If you cannot come or would prefer to make a monetary donation please donate to the Red Cross.  Items we suggest if you are unsure what to get are:

• Bottled Water
• Snack Bars
• Diapers/wipes
• Personal Hygiene Items
• Cleaning Supplies
• Work gloves
• New underwear/socks
• Sunscreen
• Insect repellent
• Pet Food

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A Friday Morning Poem

Alarms are buzzing, Dodge is crying,

Max is hungry, Kate is sighing.

Drag my body out of bead,

Wake up feet…are you dead?

Serenity comes in a coffee cup,

Delivered in attempt to wake me up.

Shower while Kate feeds the boys,

Stepping on Max’s bath-time toys.

Left sock, right sock, underwear,

Deodorant, toothbrush, styled hair.

Take the pills the pharmacist sold,

Because inevitably I’m getting old.

Wallet found, Where are my keys?

Max has hidden them in the trees.

Or are they right here in my hand?

Am I awake yet, I don’t understand.

Forehead kiss and on the cheek,

Max and I leave to close the week.

Off to school where there is a sign,

“BEWARE! Your child has been exposed to pink eye.“

Pause…consider…Meh, he’ll be fine,

Drop him off and check the time.

Late for work and feeling woozy,

What was in that breakfast smoothie?

Watch my speed down Rock Road,

Perfect driving record must not go.

Office, meeting, phone call, desk,

Slide into the chair that loves me best.

Glasses donned and deadlines due,

Time to do whatever it is I do.

And so I bid the week adieu,

Its Friday!  The weekend will be here very soon!

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Who Is The Best TV Provider?

Who is the best TV provider in the United States?  That’s a tough question to answer as it really depends on where you are…even your neighborhood.  Here is a rant on who not to pick and why they’re all terrible:

I live in Wichita, KS right now and out here Cox is the big cheese when it comes to cable.  Of course there are the other options such as Dish with their “Hopper,” DirecTV which is the alpha dog of the satellites  AT&T’s U-verse, and the list goes on.  Growing up in the Midwest I’ve always been tied to the ground so cable always made sense to me.  If your TV comes from the air…and the air is full of wind, hail, and tornadoes ..how can you have a reliable picture.  I always picture people watching the weather report during a tornado waiting to see what county will be hit…then the dish moves a centimeter and the TV goes to static.  They go outside to adjust the dish, a flying cow knocks them unconscious, and the twister scoops them up and tosses them in Nebraska (which is where tornado trash goes to die).  Okay…so maybe that’s kinda the plot from the terrible movie Twister where Bill Paxton and What’s-Her-Name from Mad About You chase tornadoes around Kansas and witness flying cows while the twister makes monster-growling sounds and jumps down out of the sky from the cone of silence.  Sorry to burst your bubble…twisters don’t do that.

Anywho!  When I lived in NYC and UpState Time Warner was the head honcho and they had their issues for sure…but it was better than rabbit ears which back then was you only alternative.  Dishes were ridiculous in the Adirondacks because they were so unreliable and nothing sucked more than having a quaint cabin in the woods…with a big ole dish sticking off the roof.  Besides…KAFOOMPF!  A tree branch just took it out.  In San Francisco Comcast won my business and they were fantastic…but they seem to have crumpled and invested their interests into this Xfinity crap.  Anytime you have to offer a free pre-paid credit card to sign-up…its not a good idea to sign up.  I’ve heard people talk about how much they LOVE their U-verse but everyone I know said it was such a nightmare getting it setup that they have stuck with not because of how great it is…but because they don’t want to mess things up switching back.  So I’m stuck.  Who’s the best and what can I do?

Since moving to Wichita three years ago I have been beyond displeased with Cox Cable.  I have made sure to let them know this and in response they have managed to find a way to make their service worse each month.  At first it was just a few issues here and there, the tech would come out, and then all would be fine.  Then…year 2…it all fell apart.  The TV freezes and gets tiled all the time, the internet slows to a halt at 8pm every night, and the phone rings half a ring once…then nothing for 30 seconds till the answering machine picks up.  I reset the modem twice a week, have to power off the DVR all the time and reset, and I think the only reason we have a home phone anymore is to call Cox and complain.  Seriously…I call Kate at home and we call Cox.  That is it.  So maybe it is time to un-bundle?

In the past few months I’ve had multiple techs to the house, replaced the modem, replaced the line from the pole to the house, replaced the lines from the box to the wall plates, replaced the DVR twice, replaced the modem, and so on.  Last night the TV started freezing and tiling as it always does when there is no technician near by.  I tweeted to Cox that this was happening and their help team went right to work…which always makes me laugh.  Its cute.  These nice people (and they are very nice people) sitting at a desk somewhere trying to fix the problem by looking at diagnostics.  It’s not the diagnostics kids…its the crappy cable service that needs to be boosted in this neighborhood.  So the desk-tech tweets back to me last night, “I’d like to help. Can you DM the MAC ID of the modem so I Can be sure everything is set up correctly?”  This ticked me off.  I’m contacting them about my TV not working and they’re asking to look at my internet modem.  That’s like me going to the doctor for a sore throat and he examines my foot.  The tech tells me she sees an error on the modem she wants to fix.  There is always an error on the modem.  Every day there is an error on the modem.  That is what the modem does…it errors.  Fine, whatever, “fix” the modem Sherlock.  She fixes the error, tells me there is nothing wrong with my TV, and asks to schedule a technician to come out.  Understand…there was a technician at my house 4 days ago who said everything was good to go.  Now, apparently, I need another new DVR.  Sure.  Why not.  It will give me an excuse to watch that Duck Dynasty marathon I recorded and relive the heartbreak of the Shockers losing to Louisville in the Final Four.  So we arrange for the tech to come and she pats herself on the back as she informs me my internet should be fully functional now that the error has been corrected.  Yay!  The error is corrected!  Whippie!!!  Its fixed (till the next time it errors).  Whatever.  Goodnight.

So the internet doesn’t work in the morning.  Turns out she unregistered it or something and now the modem we have (which was installed by Cox 4 days ago) is not a Cox approved modem.  I call in because now this needs to be addressed by someone with more responsibility than Twitter etiquette and after 30 minutes of holding I get a real person!  She has a plan!  She does it!  It disconnects me from the phone.  ”Screw this!”  I reset the modem and it works.  Great.  Now I have two days to ponder how loyal I am to Cox and if I would switch to Dish or DirecTV.  The trouble is Cox has KS22 which is the Wichita State Shocker channel…so I can watch all the games…and that is VERY important to me.  I’m going to have the Cox technician replace the wall plate at my DVR and the DVR this weekend and get him to escalate the issue to a neighborhood-wide problem so the guys with the cranes and diggers have to come so I can watch Game of Thrones and The Voice without issue…because these are the problems I have to deal with as a middle-aged American.  So bring on the beer koozie and the Cheetos…that butt-groove in the couch didn’t happen by accident…that takes dedication.  We need to get this TV working people so I can record meaningless crap to lull me to sleep instead of engaging myself in meaningful conversation or activity.  Who will relentlessly make fun of Lady Antebellum on Facebook if I don’t have a working modem and internet connection?  Who I ask you?  Whooooo?  They are the Dane Cook of country music and must be stopped!!!

So…who is the best?  If I had my druthers I would get Comcast…but that is not an option.  Cox is a great option if you live where the rich people are and they service it regularly, add fiber-optic cable, and send a crane if you can’t program the remote by yourself.  DirecTV sounds like the best but internet and phone are spotty…plus no KS22.  I’m going to keep bugging Cox and make them fix their crap and get discounts since I’m paying full-price for something that doesn’t work like it is supposed to.  If I move out of Wichita and the reach of KS22…I’m switching to DirecTV, ditching the phone, and TBD on internet.

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Momtastic Kidtacular Weekend And The Dad-Failure Of Me

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, which is one of my most favorite holidays because we try to cram a lifetime of appreciation into one day.  Personally, I was a terrible child.  Well…I was good when I was little…then I grew up to be a total turd.  I’ve grown (a bit) since becoming an adult, but my past haunts me and the anxiety I suffer from clearly stems from the constant questioning of the decisions I have made in my past and the decisions yet to come.  In short: I love my mom and wish I had been better when I was living under her roof.

Kate and Dodge

Unable to change the past I must focus on the future, so Mother’s Day works great for me.  A moment to pause and remember how amazing Mom was, a moment to say thanks and apologize for being a turd, and a moment to share in something fun we can do together.  However, I am learning that Mother’s Day is completely different now that I have little kids and I am expected to not just give thanks to my mom…but give thanks to my wife on behalf of my kids who are too young to give thanks and think she is an endless sack of forgiving playtime and sustenance.  Waaaaait a minute!!!  How did I get duped into this?  I have to feel guilty about being a bad child AND treat my wife with loving respect…all on the same day?  That’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time…try it…its harder than it sounds.

Moms love flowers and that was my plan:  Flowers for both, activities they like, and wrangle the kids.  I forgot to pick up flowers during the week and the kids were relentless in keeping me home on Saturday.  Flowers were out.  Okay, activities they like and wrangle the kids.  The plan was to go to the Bartlett Arboretum Sunday but Mother Nature wanted to be funny and roll occasional spring showers through Kansas with a chilly wind.  We nixed the Arboretum and decided we’d do brunch at a nice restaurant, swim at the grandparent’s house, and dinner at the club.  All I had to do was wrangle the kids…it did not go to plan.

At brunch Dodge (2 months old) was good…for ten minutes.  He then cried and screamed at the top of his lungs for the rest of brunch and only quieted when he was in my wife, Kate’s, lap.  Max (2 years old) was very good till it was time to go and threw a mini-tantrum outside refusing to pose for the Mother’s Day picture.  He hid in an alcove next to the restaurant where the source of his tantrum was discovered.  Max took a man-sized dump in a toddler-sized diaper.  When a two-year-old can clear an outdoor alcove on a breezy day due to smell…you know you are in for fun.  The restaurant did not have changing tables in the bathrooms (seriously?) so we set our sights on Barnes And Noble which Max insisted he walk to with Kate…which meant bouncing the poo around for about the length of a football field.  I put Dodge in the car and drove over…but once Dodge realized Mom was gone he erupted into uncontrollable screams of helplessness which no driving around the block and shushing could calm.  Kate found me in the parking lot twenty minutes later standing outside the car in shambles as Dodge screamed bloody murder inside.  On a side note, I must say the new Mercedes SUV is very well sound proofed as I could barely hear him from outside which was a blessing in this scenario.  If Dodge is crying then Max has to fuss too, I jumped in the driver’s seat, and Kate perched in the back seat trying to feed Dodge and shush Max as we headed home.

Max slept for over three hours.  Three hours!  Kate put Dodge down for a nap and he passed out as well.  Then she did too.  This was my opportunity to get flowers!  I could be that terrible husband/son at the market sifting through picked over bouquets of dying plant-like flower things that other terrible husbands/sons had left behind earlier.  I’d given Kate a cartoon on this site, a card from the kids, and David Sedaris’s new book on CD to listen to in the car.  I had given my mother a card from the kids, a card from me, and tickets to the garden show which we had a blast doing together last year.  If could bring flowers to the pool party at their house I could actually pull it off and seem like a good son and husband.  So I fell asleep and never made it to the market.

When Max woke up we had 40 minutes till dinner, so the pool party was out.  I had missed my opportunity to get flowers.  We had neither gone to the arboretum nor the yard party by the pool.  I was failing at Mother’s Day.  Then…Mother Nature did me a solid and “pop, pop, pop!”  The irises bloomed in the back yard of our house!  At dinner the kids were well-behaved and Max ate his entire dinner without whining!  My dad and I took him out for a golf cart ride around the course and let him drive which he thought was awesome.  Dodge coo’d for Kate and my mom at the dinner table, we drank fine wine, and had a great night.  Max went to bed without issue and Dodge slept while Kate and I curled up and watched Game of Thrones on HBO.  The irises from our yard sat snipped in a vase next to the couch…Kate got her Mother’s Day flowers after all.

Max Driving

While I never got to bring flowers to my mom yesterday I was able to think back on how amazing she is.  I can remember her holding me in her arms during a summer rain when I had croup as a little boy.  I can remember her driving me back and forth between my two schools.  I can remember her taking care of me when I was sick.  I remember her comforting me when I was sad.  I remember her yelling at my principal when I was expelled and standing up for me when it seemed no one else would.  I know how amazing her hair smells, how vigorous her hugs are, and how she always made me know I was loved.  I have friends who lost their mothers recently and only have memories this year…so I know how fortunate I am to have a young/healthy mom who I can hug vigorously back.  I also know that I am my mother’s son…but I have much to learn if I am ever going to be as good of a parent as she is.  I’m pretty lucky to have the ladies I have in my life.

I’m sorry I didn’t bring you flowers Mom…the irises in our house smell terrible, but Kate thinks they are great.

Stinky Max with a stinky flower.

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Sorry Kate…I suck.

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