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Follow Up To Stolen UPS Package

18 Dec

All is right with the world…Oscar’s Smokehouse sent a new shipment of bacon, sausages, pancakes, and more after my first shipment (via UPS) was stolen off my porch!  For the full story, click HERE.


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Stolen UPS Package in Wichita, KS

15 Dec

In case you missed it over the weekend, we had a UPS package stolen from our porch on Friday.  The package was full of sweet, wonderful delicious bacon.  This is a crime of opportunity on the rise and it has arrived in Wichita.  Following my post, “The Grinch Who Stole Bacon,” KWCH Channel 12 News asked to interview me and ran the following piece as the lead story on Friday:


Criminals Stealing Packages Off Doorsteps
by Scott Evans

We’re approaching the busiest time of the year for shipping companies. If you haven’t already seen the packages on your doorstep, that will change as we get closer to the holidays.

“With it being the holiday season it seems like people are out looking for easy crimes like this,” said Ryan Gates.

Gates is talking about someone stealing a package right off his doorstep. Thursday sometime between 5:30 and 6:30pm, someone stole the package full of bacon and sausage and cheddar cheese and pancakes.

The gift from a smokehouse in upstate New York was worth about $100.

“I don’t think they had any clue what was inside the box, but this time of year, you could be picking up something from an electronic store that could be worth a lot of money, you could be picking up clothing or in my case you could be picking up sweet, wonderful delicious bacon,” said Gates.

Gates has never had this happen before, and those living in the area were also surprised.

“We’ve just never had an issue with it and in this neighborhood neighbors really look out for each other and keep an eye out,” said Joy Marlin who doesn’t live far from Gates.

“We’ve had stuff left out overnight and it’s been fine. I’m an Amazon junky, so I have stuff shipped all the time,” said Nicole Long.

Delivery companies usually deliver items during business hours, but it’s through these daylight hours and really right at dusk that these criminals can strike.

“Obviously I’m upset with the people that did this, but I’m more upset with UPS for just leaving a package on the front doorstep,” said Gates.

He’s reached out to UPS and was told to contact the shipper, but didn’t or couldn’t provide more help than that.

The smokehouse that sent the meat agreed to send a replacement at no cost. This time, Gates says he’ll have it shipped to his office.

And that’s one of the suggestions police have, if you know you won’t be home, work with the shipper to deliver it to your work or to a neighbor. If that doesn’t work, talk to a neighbor and have them keep an eye out for it.

For expensive items, it might be worth it to pay for signature confirmation.

For the full story and video, click here.

News3All bacon puns and hamfoolery aside, it is a serious crime that luckily for me turned out to only be perishable goods from Oscar’s Smokehouse in Warrensburg, NY.  However, criminals across the United States have been targeting UPS trucks…following their routes and looking to see what packages get left on doorsteps when no one is home.  What if it had been electronics?  A gift for the boys from a relative?  A part for a car?  Any of the things we now shop for online instead of conventional location-based shopping.  Online shopping has become the norm and shipping has not evolved with it.  Seriously, who leaves a package outside…in the rain…with the description written on the outside?

Amazon is trying to launch drones that fly to your house and deliver goods, but that still relies on you being home at the time of delivery.  With the lack of restrictions on drones it is only a matter of time before criminals design pirate drones to attack Amazon’s drones and steal your goods right off your porch…or maybe even in the skies.  It could be all out drone warfare in the skies with your new FitBit’s fate in the balance.  Oh the humanity!

The real solution here is that UPS (also FedEx and USPS) need a better system for delivery when you are not home.  Not every shipper is going to pay for signature required, but a little common sense goes a long way for the delivery driver, and with this crime growing more and more by the day…doing nothing is not a solution.  In the meantime (i.e. the foreseeable future) here are some tips on what you can do to avoid becoming a victim of this crime:

  • Talk to your UPS, FedEx, and Post Office Delivery reps about what to do in the event you are not home to receive a package.
  • Talk to your neighbors and ask them to keep a look out for packages when you are not home.
  • Designate a hidden area for packages to go when delivered – if possible make it lockable.
  • Any deliveries you schedule, have delivered to your office or when you know you are home.
  • Tell relatives to send packages to your office (if possible) instead of your home.
  • Install a camera on your porch that records movement.
  • Report suspicious activity to your police department’s non-emergency number.

As for me?  I ensured all packages were being delivered to my office moving forward but I can’t control what friends and family do.  My camera is secretly watching, though I suspect there is nothing left to see.  I have made sure the exterior of my house is locked up and secure.  I have contacted my delivery companies and drivers.  Last, but certainly not least, I have designed a simple trap.  Nothing crazy…but if you decide to steal from me again you are in for a surprise that will have me laughing for a while!  Happy Holidays!!!


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The Grinch Who Stole Bacon

12 Dec

Every Ta down in Ta-Town Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Grinch, who lived in a neighborhood nearby, Did NOT!
Following the UPS truck in his car with a sour, Grinchy frown,
He watched to see which people he thought were out-of-town.
He lingered on street corners behind the stop sign,
Looking for packages to be delivered from Amazon Prime.

Then the Grinch came to our street where the brown truck did go,
The man in brown left a gift without a “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
He rang our doorbell and then flew the coop,
Leaving behind our package exposed on our front stoop.
Instead of a note or checking with a neighbor on the trail,
He left our gift out there! Then sent us an email!

The Grinch saw this package and thought to himself,
“I’ll steal that package and put it up on my shelf!”
Then he slunk from his car and walked right up to our door,
…and a few moments later, our gift was no more.
He took that present wrapped in UPS cardboard,
And then he was gone, “On to the next house!” He roared.

And then? We found out that this crime had taken place,
Between 5:30 and 6:30 on a Thursday right in front of our face!
So we Tweeted UPS about this issue with their fleet!
We Tweeted and Tweeted! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET!
Their response was lackluster and lacking respect,
Since this was an issue they had come to expect!

We filed a report with the Ta-Town police,
Who asked what was in the package the Grinch so keenly greased.
We checked the tracking number and our eyes did awaken,
That old Grinch had stolen our Oscar’s Smokehouse Bacon!
Our sausage, our pancakes, our 5 year aged cheddar,
The maple syrup that makes our breakfast taste better!

Oh the hamanity…it all had been taken,
A Christmas without Oscar’s Applewood Smoked Bacon?!!!

Bacon! That Grinch! He took my favorite food!
He darn near spoiled my Christmasy mood!
I had spent the day giving thousands to those who were in need,
Donating time, money, and love and helping to feed.
Then this Grinch comes along and steals my Christmas lunch,
Making me wonder “Why?” Especially after I’d given so much!

Then a thought filled my head!
A wonderful Christmas thought filled my head!
What if instead of stealing I thought of this as giving instead?
What if this Grinch was in need of a holiday spread?
Perhaps he had nothing but the crumbs of stale bread?
Then I didn’t feel so bad and stopped seeing red.

That old Grinch stole my bacon and soon will have a feast,
Of New York smoked cheddar and Christmas Roast Beast.
I’m not quite as angry at the Grinch as I was before,
But he better not get caught stealing from me anymore.
If he’s found on my porch he might be greeted with rage,
And find himself staring down the barrel of my 12 gauge.

But who is to blame for this ham foolery crime?
The Grinch? Yes…but there’s a more sinister sign of the times.
Remember when UPS would leave you a note?
With a time for a second delivery that was hand wrote?
Or they’d check with a neighbor and deliver it there,
Instead of leaving it outside for all criminals to stare!

Now? UPS makes it the sender’s issue the handle,
They pass it off to the sender instead of seeking the vandal!
So we called up Oscar’s and told them our story,
Before we could finish they told me not to worry!
They took down my info and apologized for UPS not being cautious,
Then sent out a new package to me, this time to my office.

Then Channel 12 News called and asked to interview me,
Since I was not the only victim of UPS package stealing.
It’s a trend on the rise, and UPS knows about it!
What do they do? Nothing. So I’m here to spout it!
Your packages are not safe when left at your front door,
Thieves snatch them right up, and what’s more?
They’re checking your car to see if it is unlocked,
My wife’s was in the driveway and she was shocked!
We were home at the time when her checkbook was taken,
We also were home when they took the bacon!
So lock all your doors and leave nothing in sight,
The Grinch may be prowling your neighborhood tonight!
But if you see this fowl creature as you awaken,
Yell out unto him, “You fucker…give back Ryan’s bacon!”


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Max’s First Haircut at a Salon

8 Dec

IMG_1712This weekend my wife Kate and I debated if we should scar our 3 year-old son Max for life (again) by pinning him down in the bathroom while cutting his hair.  In the past, Max has screamed as if each hair were actually a finger we were prying from his body in a Gestapo prison.  I have had success with singing while snipping, letting Max hold his own pair of (kid-safe) scissors, putting on the TV, and various distractions.  It is important to note that the act of washing Max’s hair also elicits screams of terror which is why he gives me constant stink-eye around bath time.  This aversion to washing his hair, which we let grow way too long, combined with his near halitosis breath means Max often smells like the southern end of a wet dog with hemorrhoids.  He has become a very stinky boy.  Recently he and his baby brother were playing near Grandpa who commented that Dodge (still in diapers) may have gone poo poo.  We checked…no poop.  No, that smell Grandpa swore was human feces turned out to be the smell of Max’s hair and breath.  Ahhhhh yes…I have the stinky kid.

thURD8JVTLMax is great about brushing his teeth, he loves to do it actually.  His breath just smells like…well, honestly…it smells like he just ate dog poo.  Like, JUST ate dog poo.  Like he went out in the yard, scooped up the poo, ate it, walked inside, then crawled into your lap to give you a kiss.  Sometimes we check to see if he did eat poo.  We don’t have a dog…is he eating the neighbor’s dog’s poo?  Yikes!  There’s an awkward conversation at the block party ice cream social next year.  Maybe we could offer it as a service?  I see the dog poop scooper vans all the time…we could just drop Max off for an afternoon in your backyard and leave him some ketchup for dipping.


Anywho.  The poonanigans continue with his hair which also has a canine feces aroma, most likely from his breath wafting into this sweaty mop of hair where it gathers, percolates, and then rots.  Kate and I were so sick of arguing about cutting his hair that we just let it grow out…and it was super cute!  He has awesome curls!  However, there was the stink.  I wanted to buzz him down but Kate refused to let him have the quintessential Midwestern haircut.  I now know why every kid in his class has a buzzcut…so much easier and less stinky!  So his hair kept growing and got even cuter and stinkier.  So we let it grow and then all of a sudden it was flat and stinky.  No bueno.  Now Max looked like one of the Beatles and smelled like a Beagle.

Haircut time!

Did I cut it?  No.  Did Kate cut it?  No.  Did we happily pay someone $15 to cut his hair at one of those kid cut places?  You bet your ass we did!!!  So, Max got his first big-kid haircut and the crying was minimal.  She did a fine job on the rockabilly cut I normally would give, Max only cried a little, and now Max can’t give me the stink-eye..because I didn’t cut his hair.  It wasn’t me kid!


In all honesty things went great, Max sat in the airplane for his haircut, Dodge played in the salon’s toy room, and Max got a chocolate ice cream cone after for behaving so well.  He looks good, he smells great, and after brushing his teeth I was ready for tackles and kisses.



The moral of the story is that yes, there are some things you can do at home for free to save a few bucks when it comes to parenting. However, $15 for someone else to handle the crappy part?  Sign me up!


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Thankful For My Nephew

26 Nov

164403_489341263086_7458514_nA few years ago, my nephew Jake sat down for dinner with the adults on Thanksgiving Day and listened as we all went around the table telling each other what we were thankful for that year.  The ole Jakester was about 5 years old at the time and my journey into fatherhood wouldn’t begin till the following year.  No one had ever called me “Dad” back then, in fact all of our names were from the lone grandchild of the family, Jake.  My parents were “Papa Doo” and “G.G.,” my wife was “Kee Kee,” and I was “Uncle Boo Boo.”  Still am.  I’ve been “Boo” or “Boo Boo” in my immediate family for as long as I can remember and once Jake graced our lives with his presence everyone called me “Uncle Boo Boo.”  I loved it…I remember the first time Jake looked at me with those bright eyes and said, “Boo Boo.”  It was awesome.  I got to be an uncle for half a decade before learning to become a dad.  Jake and I taught each other a lot.  That day 5 years ago at Thanksgiving I think I said something to the effect of being thankful for family, for Kate, for us all being together…and it was special…it was a time to be thankful for family.  We all raised our glasses and were about to cheers when Jake pointed out that he hadn’t told us what he was thankful for.  I smiled hoping he’d say he was thankful for his mom, and he did…but then he threw us a curveball.  He turned to the table and said, “But most of all…I’m thankful for gravity, because without gravity we’d all float off into outer space!!!”  It was the finest toast I have ever heard.  “To gravity!”  We all cheered and clinked our glasses together.  It has become my favorite pre-dinner toast, making cameos throughout the year and always on Thanksgiving.

Gravity Cheers

To Gravity!

Jake will be turning 10 next month and has grown from a lovable little kid into a marvelous young boy.  He astounds me every time I see him!  I cannot believe how fast he is growing and it makes me hug my 1-year old Dodge and 3-year old Max a little longer and harder…soaking up this stage of their lives.  When I first found out I was going to be a dad I read a statistic that when women picture themselves as mothers they see themselves providing for a tiny baby, while when men picture themselves as dads they see themselves participating in activities like swimming, teaching, and sports.  Basically, men see themselves as dads when their kids are older – not when they’re babies.  I rejected this notion proclaiming that I would be the best dad on earth!  Turns out I’m the best dad I can be which sometimes is only “meh”…and that’s okay.  I’m not perfect, but I’m full of love.  Jake let me learn how to have Dad-esk moments before being a dad.  I learned how to change diapers, I learned how to care for a baby, I learned how to listen, I learned how to be patient…or at least pretend to be patient.  Jake taught me how to love someone who frustrates you and how to frustrate someone you love.  He taught me that kids don’t think like adults but adults should learn to think more like kids…because thank goodness for gravity!  Jake was like my adult pre-school for becoming a dad…which is why he’s my son Dodge’s godparent.

I got to learn so much from Jake over the years.

Yesterday Jake came home from school with a project from class most likely aimed at further developing his written skills both mechanically and visualizing his verbal thoughts.  He wrote me a letter for Thanksgiving.  Me.  Uncle Boo Boo.  Stupid fat old me.  The guy who asks himself daily, “What can I do to be a better dad?”  I ask myself this because I fear I’m not a good dad.  I ask this because I get frustrated, because I make mistakes, and because I realize I am responsible for two tiny lives…and that’s scary.  Maybe that’s what makes a good dad?  Maybe that’s more important than always trying to look perfect to the kids.  I like to think so.  I like to think that by being myself and letting my kids see me for who I am they understand that perfection is nothing more than a word, and we are all human.  I tell them I love them every day, and they tell me they love me too.  I can feel their love and I know they can feel mine.  I love my family, immediate and extended, and Jake’s letter from school leveled me.  Reduced me to rubble.  Brought me to tears.  Reminded me who I am.  It is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever written me and there is nothing more special than feeling the love of a child, especially when it comes seemingly from the blue.  Jake wrote:

Dear Uncle Boo Boo,

I love you.  Thank you for teaching me how to swim.  Before that I only knew the doggy paddle.  Now that I know how to swim you teach me how to do cool tricks.  Like that group of rocks you use to go fast under water.  Thanks to you I can touch the bottom of the Lake George Club.  That’s 12 feet!  I can also jump off Calfspen.  That’s like 50 feet.  Thank you.  Sincerely,


Yup…he got me.  I can’t tell you how proud I was of him when he touched the bottom of the lake at the Lake George Club.  I taught him how to clear the air out of his lungs while diving so buoyancy wouldn’t work against him.  I sat on the bottom of the lake and watched him swim down to me, touch the bottom, then push off like a rocket to the surface!  It was amazing.  It was the gift of accomplishment after a summer swimming together.  Jakester and Boo Boo.  I also remember the first time his tiny fingers wrapped around my index finger as I fed him a bottle.  I remember the first time he crawled.  I remember the first time he walked.  I remember the first time he did most things…like hold my sons in his arms when he met them for the first time.

Jake reminds me why I do what I do.  Jake was frustrating when he was my boys’ age and I frustrated him too.  He is a glance into the future and the rewards that come from making a child know they are loved.  Every letter should start out like Jake’s, “I love you.”  What fantastic 3 words, written out in pencil on a turkey.  I love you too Jake.  Thank you for teaching me how to be Max and Dodge’s dad.  This Thanksgiving I am also thankful for the things that teach us about life, remind us who we are, allow us to be ourselves, and bring us together:

Here’s to Family and Gravity!

May your Thanksgiving Holiday be filled with both!

2014-11-25 15.56.15

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