A Friday Morning Poem

Alarms are buzzing, Dodge is crying,

Max is hungry, Kate is sighing.

Drag my body out of bead,

Wake up feet…are you dead?

Serenity comes in a coffee cup,

Delivered in attempt to wake me up.

Shower while Kate feeds the boys,

Stepping on Max’s bath-time toys.

Left sock, right sock, underwear,

Deodorant, toothbrush, styled hair.

Take the pills the pharmacist sold,

Because inevitably I’m getting old.

Wallet found, Where are my keys?

Max has hidden them in the trees.

Or are they right here in my hand?

Am I awake yet, I don’t understand.

Forehead kiss and on the cheek,

Max and I leave to close the week.

Off to school where there is a sign,

“BEWARE! Your child has been exposed to pink eye.“

Pause…consider…Meh, he’ll be fine,

Drop him off and check the time.

Late for work and feeling woozy,

What was in that breakfast smoothie?

Watch my speed down Rock Road,

Perfect driving record must not go.

Office, meeting, phone call, desk,

Slide into the chair that loves me best.

Glasses donned and deadlines due,

Time to do whatever it is I do.

And so I bid the week adieu,

Its Friday!  The weekend will be here very soon!

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Who Is The Best TV Provider?

Who is the best TV provider in the United States?  That’s a tough question to answer as it really depends on where you are…even your neighborhood.  Here is a rant on who not to pick and why they’re all terrible:

I live in Wichita, KS right now and out here Cox is the big cheese when it comes to cable.  Of course there are the other options such as Dish with their “Hopper,” DirecTV which is the alpha dog of the satellites  AT&T’s U-verse, and the list goes on.  Growing up in the Midwest I’ve always been tied to the ground so cable always made sense to me.  If your TV comes from the air…and the air is full of wind, hail, and tornadoes ..how can you have a reliable picture.  I always picture people watching the weather report during a tornado waiting to see what county will be hit…then the dish moves a centimeter and the TV goes to static.  They go outside to adjust the dish, a flying cow knocks them unconscious, and the twister scoops them up and tosses them in Nebraska (which is where tornado trash goes to die).  Okay…so maybe that’s kinda the plot from the terrible movie Twister where Bill Paxton and What’s-Her-Name from Mad About You chase tornadoes around Kansas and witness flying cows while the twister makes monster-growling sounds and jumps down out of the sky from the cone of silence.  Sorry to burst your bubble…twisters don’t do that.

Anywho!  When I lived in NYC and UpState Time Warner was the head honcho and they had their issues for sure…but it was better than rabbit ears which back then was you only alternative.  Dishes were ridiculous in the Adirondacks because they were so unreliable and nothing sucked more than having a quaint cabin in the woods…with a big ole dish sticking off the roof.  Besides…KAFOOMPF!  A tree branch just took it out.  In San Francisco Comcast won my business and they were fantastic…but they seem to have crumpled and invested their interests into this Xfinity crap.  Anytime you have to offer a free pre-paid credit card to sign-up…its not a good idea to sign up.  I’ve heard people talk about how much they LOVE their U-verse but everyone I know said it was such a nightmare getting it setup that they have stuck with not because of how great it is…but because they don’t want to mess things up switching back.  So I’m stuck.  Who’s the best and what can I do?

Since moving to Wichita three years ago I have been beyond displeased with Cox Cable.  I have made sure to let them know this and in response they have managed to find a way to make their service worse each month.  At first it was just a few issues here and there, the tech would come out, and then all would be fine.  Then…year 2…it all fell apart.  The TV freezes and gets tiled all the time, the internet slows to a halt at 8pm every night, and the phone rings half a ring once…then nothing for 30 seconds till the answering machine picks up.  I reset the modem twice a week, have to power off the DVR all the time and reset, and I think the only reason we have a home phone anymore is to call Cox and complain.  Seriously…I call Kate at home and we call Cox.  That is it.  So maybe it is time to un-bundle?

In the past few months I’ve had multiple techs to the house, replaced the modem, replaced the line from the pole to the house, replaced the lines from the box to the wall plates, replaced the DVR twice, replaced the modem, and so on.  Last night the TV started freezing and tiling as it always does when there is no technician near by.  I tweeted to Cox that this was happening and their help team went right to work…which always makes me laugh.  Its cute.  These nice people (and they are very nice people) sitting at a desk somewhere trying to fix the problem by looking at diagnostics.  It’s not the diagnostics kids…its the crappy cable service that needs to be boosted in this neighborhood.  So the desk-tech tweets back to me last night, “I’d like to help. Can you DM the MAC ID of the modem so I Can be sure everything is set up correctly?”  This ticked me off.  I’m contacting them about my TV not working and they’re asking to look at my internet modem.  That’s like me going to the doctor for a sore throat and he examines my foot.  The tech tells me she sees an error on the modem she wants to fix.  There is always an error on the modem.  Every day there is an error on the modem.  That is what the modem does…it errors.  Fine, whatever, “fix” the modem Sherlock.  She fixes the error, tells me there is nothing wrong with my TV, and asks to schedule a technician to come out.  Understand…there was a technician at my house 4 days ago who said everything was good to go.  Now, apparently, I need another new DVR.  Sure.  Why not.  It will give me an excuse to watch that Duck Dynasty marathon I recorded and relive the heartbreak of the Shockers losing to Louisville in the Final Four.  So we arrange for the tech to come and she pats herself on the back as she informs me my internet should be fully functional now that the error has been corrected.  Yay!  The error is corrected!  Whippie!!!  Its fixed (till the next time it errors).  Whatever.  Goodnight.

So the internet doesn’t work in the morning.  Turns out she unregistered it or something and now the modem we have (which was installed by Cox 4 days ago) is not a Cox approved modem.  I call in because now this needs to be addressed by someone with more responsibility than Twitter etiquette and after 30 minutes of holding I get a real person!  She has a plan!  She does it!  It disconnects me from the phone.  ”Screw this!”  I reset the modem and it works.  Great.  Now I have two days to ponder how loyal I am to Cox and if I would switch to Dish or DirecTV.  The trouble is Cox has KS22 which is the Wichita State Shocker channel…so I can watch all the games…and that is VERY important to me.  I’m going to have the Cox technician replace the wall plate at my DVR and the DVR this weekend and get him to escalate the issue to a neighborhood-wide problem so the guys with the cranes and diggers have to come so I can watch Game of Thrones and The Voice without issue…because these are the problems I have to deal with as a middle-aged American.  So bring on the beer koozie and the Cheetos…that butt-groove in the couch didn’t happen by accident…that takes dedication.  We need to get this TV working people so I can record meaningless crap to lull me to sleep instead of engaging myself in meaningful conversation or activity.  Who will relentlessly make fun of Lady Antebellum on Facebook if I don’t have a working modem and internet connection?  Who I ask you?  Whooooo?  They are the Dane Cook of country music and must be stopped!!!

So…who is the best?  If I had my druthers I would get Comcast…but that is not an option.  Cox is a great option if you live where the rich people are and they service it regularly, add fiber-optic cable, and send a crane if you can’t program the remote by yourself.  DirecTV sounds like the best but internet and phone are spotty…plus no KS22.  I’m going to keep bugging Cox and make them fix their crap and get discounts since I’m paying full-price for something that doesn’t work like it is supposed to.  If I move out of Wichita and the reach of KS22…I’m switching to DirecTV, ditching the phone, and TBD on internet.

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Pending Fees On Your Debit Card From Bars/Restaurants

One of the worst inventions for bars and restaurants is the debit card.  For the past ten years I have fielded Monday calls and emails from angry customers complaining that we’ve overcharged them.  From the high end steak house in a resort town, to the nightclub in NYC, to the restaurant in the Midwest…it is all the same.  ”You have incorrectly charged me $25 and I demand to speak to the manager ASAP!”  One of the things I hate is that old saying, “The customer is always right.”  While I keep this in my head as I respond I like to amend it to “The customer always thinks he’s right.”  Thus, I kindly operate as if they think they are right and allow the opportunity for me to be corrected if I am wrong.  These conversations would be much easier if the customer would keep a saying fresh in their mind as well:  ”You catch more flies with honey.”  Yes, we are in the service industry and we are here to serve you…but that doesn’t mean we are your servants nor does it mean we should be treated without dignity and respect.  So…with the understanding that every Monday email or phone conversation begins with me being insulted, yelled at, called a thief, etc., please forgive me while I use a mocking tone to explain the $25 fee on your card from a Saturday night.

Debit cards are different from credit cards because you are directly drawing and crediting money to your financial accounts as opposed to using credit to pay for items which you then pay from your financial accounts.  However, banks have done as much as possible to make banking with your debit card seem as similar to your credit card as possible so you will use their services and incur their fees.  When you go to an establishment and open a tab, a temporary hold is placed on your card for a certain amount.  The standard fee in America is $25.  Now lets say you have a 5 drinks, each costs $4, you tip $1 for each for a grand total of $25.  At the end of the night when the establishment closes and sends all of its credit card charges off to be processed this is what your credit card company will see:

• $25 pending fee
• $25 credit
• $25 charge

The total charged to your card is $25.  When this same transaction takes place on a debit card it looks like this:

• $25 pending fee
• $25 fee

The total charged to your card would be $50 because $25 would be charged to your account and $25 would become unable to withdraw till 1-2 business days when the bank releases your credits.  After 1-2 days the bank releases your credited $25 (pending fee) and it is back in your account.  Most common is someone spends about $5 and then wakes up Sunday to see they have been charged $5 and $25 and they think they have been scammed by another customer or the establishment.  However, they just have to wait till end of business Monday or Tuesday and magically that money is back in their account.  Here is what the $5 charge looks like on a credit card:

• $25 pending fee
• $25 credit
• $5 fee

On the debit card it will say:

• $25 pending fee
• $5 fee

You have been charged $5.  The pending fee of $25 has frozen $25 of your finances till the bank approves your $25 credit.  This is banking 101…but none of us care to hear that when we sign up for a debit card.  We just know it looks and works like a credit card.  Ever heard a cashier ask you, “Debit or credit?”  What’s your response?  ”Either one is fine.”  Most times…it is, but maybe sometimes you would be better running it as credit.  I’ve talked to customers of all ages, all walks of life, from all over the world, and in different businesses…every time it is because their account was overdrawn.  Every time I am yelled at, called a thief , told the establishment I work for should be ashamed of itself, etc.  I guess they didn’t get that memo about flies and honey.  I then apologize, calmly explain how it is not a charge but a hold…and since they used a debit card it froze their actual money…blah, blah, blah.  Sometimes I end up giving away free meals to win them back because of review sites like Yelp where people only go to give 5 stars to places they love because the waitress was so nice or dog on a place because of something trivial like this.  They should actually be giving 1 star to themselves for not understanding how to bank.

After explaining multiple times that there is no button we can press that releases their funds immediately, I feel myself gritting though my teeth and wondering if anyone has ever asked this person, “Hey…if $25 is what caused you to overdraw your account, should you have been at a fine dinning restaurant buying drinks for all the ladies?”  Oh yeah…did I mention it is always a dude who calls?  Never a woman.  Seriously though…”Should you have been spending money like it was a bottomless pit?”  This is why debit cards are evil and should not be given to people who cannot manage their finances.  A debit card is like a check book that looks like a credit card.  If you have $50 in your account and a place tells you something will cost $60 you don’t write them a check for $60 right?  You know this because you balance your checkbook and maintain your funds.  Nowadays we use debit cards and check our balance via smart phones…but all that checking your iPhone’s banking app won’t save you from the fees your bank charges you when you use a debit card like a credit card.  Then Sunday rolls around and you stumble-frump your way to brunch with ironic sunglasses on and when the bill comes the server has to politely tell you your card has been declined.  Oops!  Embarrassing.  Now you feel like a chump and your Bud Light infused biceps clad in Ed Hardy and Affliction rhinestones need to destroy something.  You call the bank.  ZOINK!  Its Sunday.  You call the establishment.  ZOINK!  They’re closed.  So you wait up all night steaming, going over the conversation in your head, imagining what the person on the other end of the line will say, getting ticked off…till finally…at last…you call the establishment…and you get me.

I have a form email that gets sent.  It is very apologetic, humble, and of course…the customer is ALWAYS right.  I reward them for their misfortune which is really their mistake and thank them for being so patient.  So…if you get that ever-common $25 charge on your debit card and overdraw your account…do yourself a favor.  Wait.  Wait for it to disappear by Tuesday when your bank issues your credits and pat yourself on the back for understanding how banking works.  Pat yourself on the back for not reacting like a jerk to a situation.  Pat yourself on the back for not yelling at someone who has zero control over the situation.  Then, go deposit some money in your account or stop using your debit card like it is credit.

LEGAL: The author currently works in marketing and has managed and owned restaurants throughout his career.  None of the stories depicted in this article are directly related to any past customers or any businesses associated with the author.  No Ed Hardy or Affliction shirts were torn during the making of this article.  The author is aware that he is venting and encourages you to remember that this is a comedic site and wishes no ill-will on anyone…just hilarious occasional misfortune to people who take themselves too seriously, hipsters, people who wear Ed Hardy or Affliction shirts, and/or overuse hair gel.  The author has overdrawn his account before by using his debit card like a credit card.  Money + alcohol = bad decision making.  Men shouldn’t wear rhinestones.  The author wants to know if we can now call “Hipsters” something more appropriate like “Almost-everyone-sters.”  Seacrest out.

Momtastic Kidtacular Weekend And The Dad-Failure Of Me

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, which is one of my most favorite holidays because we try to cram a lifetime of appreciation into one day.  Personally, I was a terrible child.  Well…I was good when I was little…then I grew up to be a total turd.  I’ve grown (a bit) since becoming an adult, but my past haunts me and the anxiety I suffer from clearly stems from the constant questioning of the decisions I have made in my past and the decisions yet to come.  In short: I love my mom and wish I had been better when I was living under her roof.

Kate and Dodge

Unable to change the past I must focus on the future, so Mother’s Day works great for me.  A moment to pause and remember how amazing Mom was, a moment to say thanks and apologize for being a turd, and a moment to share in something fun we can do together.  However, I am learning that Mother’s Day is completely different now that I have little kids and I am expected to not just give thanks to my mom…but give thanks to my wife on behalf of my kids who are too young to give thanks and think she is an endless sack of forgiving playtime and sustenance.  Waaaaait a minute!!!  How did I get duped into this?  I have to feel guilty about being a bad child AND treat my wife with loving respect…all on the same day?  That’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time…try it…its harder than it sounds.

Moms love flowers and that was my plan:  Flowers for both, activities they like, and wrangle the kids.  I forgot to pick up flowers during the week and the kids were relentless in keeping me home on Saturday.  Flowers were out.  Okay, activities they like and wrangle the kids.  The plan was to go to the Bartlett Arboretum Sunday but Mother Nature wanted to be funny and roll occasional spring showers through Kansas with a chilly wind.  We nixed the Arboretum and decided we’d do brunch at a nice restaurant, swim at the grandparent’s house, and dinner at the club.  All I had to do was wrangle the kids…it did not go to plan.

At brunch Dodge (2 months old) was good…for ten minutes.  He then cried and screamed at the top of his lungs for the rest of brunch and only quieted when he was in my wife, Kate’s, lap.  Max (2 years old) was very good till it was time to go and threw a mini-tantrum outside refusing to pose for the Mother’s Day picture.  He hid in an alcove next to the restaurant where the source of his tantrum was discovered.  Max took a man-sized dump in a toddler-sized diaper.  When a two-year-old can clear an outdoor alcove on a breezy day due to smell…you know you are in for fun.  The restaurant did not have changing tables in the bathrooms (seriously?) so we set our sights on Barnes And Noble which Max insisted he walk to with Kate…which meant bouncing the poo around for about the length of a football field.  I put Dodge in the car and drove over…but once Dodge realized Mom was gone he erupted into uncontrollable screams of helplessness which no driving around the block and shushing could calm.  Kate found me in the parking lot twenty minutes later standing outside the car in shambles as Dodge screamed bloody murder inside.  On a side note, I must say the new Mercedes SUV is very well sound proofed as I could barely hear him from outside which was a blessing in this scenario.  If Dodge is crying then Max has to fuss too, I jumped in the driver’s seat, and Kate perched in the back seat trying to feed Dodge and shush Max as we headed home.

Max slept for over three hours.  Three hours!  Kate put Dodge down for a nap and he passed out as well.  Then she did too.  This was my opportunity to get flowers!  I could be that terrible husband/son at the market sifting through picked over bouquets of dying plant-like flower things that other terrible husbands/sons had left behind earlier.  I’d given Kate a cartoon on this site, a card from the kids, and David Sedaris’s new book on CD to listen to in the car.  I had given my mother a card from the kids, a card from me, and tickets to the garden show which we had a blast doing together last year.  If could bring flowers to the pool party at their house I could actually pull it off and seem like a good son and husband.  So I fell asleep and never made it to the market.

When Max woke up we had 40 minutes till dinner, so the pool party was out.  I had missed my opportunity to get flowers.  We had neither gone to the arboretum nor the yard party by the pool.  I was failing at Mother’s Day.  Then…Mother Nature did me a solid and “pop, pop, pop!”  The irises bloomed in the back yard of our house!  At dinner the kids were well-behaved and Max ate his entire dinner without whining!  My dad and I took him out for a golf cart ride around the course and let him drive which he thought was awesome.  Dodge coo’d for Kate and my mom at the dinner table, we drank fine wine, and had a great night.  Max went to bed without issue and Dodge slept while Kate and I curled up and watched Game of Thrones on HBO.  The irises from our yard sat snipped in a vase next to the couch…Kate got her Mother’s Day flowers after all.

Max Driving

While I never got to bring flowers to my mom yesterday I was able to think back on how amazing she is.  I can remember her holding me in her arms during a summer rain when I had croup as a little boy.  I can remember her driving me back and forth between my two schools.  I can remember her taking care of me when I was sick.  I remember her comforting me when I was sad.  I remember her yelling at my principal when I was expelled and standing up for me when it seemed no one else would.  I know how amazing her hair smells, how vigorous her hugs are, and how she always made me know I was loved.  I have friends who lost their mothers recently and only have memories this year…so I know how fortunate I am to have a young/healthy mom who I can hug vigorously back.  I also know that I am my mother’s son…but I have much to learn if I am ever going to be as good of a parent as she is.  I’m pretty lucky to have the ladies I have in my life.

I’m sorry I didn’t bring you flowers Mom…the irises in our house smell terrible, but Kate thinks they are great.

Stinky Max with a stinky flower.

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Sorry Kate…I suck.

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